Notice of Intent to Terminate Employment

(Today I had to submit my notice since I will be leaving my job of 8.5 years to pursue my dream of being a writer.  What follows is verbatim, my notice. Enjoy.)

 

Due to the pending Zombie Apocalypse due to hit within the next few months to two years, I will be resigning my post at Fred Meyer.  The reasons for this are as follows:

 

·         Most of the standard run-of-the-mill zombie plans involve both sheltering at and/or looting of the Eagle River Fred Meyer.  This would, of course, cause an increase in zombie activity at the store and thus increase my chances of becoming infected.

·         An increase in looting at the store would also increase the probability of being shot by looters for just working my shift.

·         Severe lack of defensive properties in the event of a zombie outbreak during my shift would render me unable to defend myself properly.

·         Proximity to the overpass and subsequently the highway makes escape from the building during an outbreak a near impossibility due to traffic congestion.

·         If forced to take shelter at the store, the number of associates and customers inside the building at any given time makes the possibility of having an infected survivor in our midst extremely likely and thus increases my chance of getting infected.

·         As of yet, our health benefits do not include zombie vaccine.

·         Despite having numerous emergency preparedness scenarios outlined in our policies and procedures, there has yet to be a zombie outbreak plan implemented.

·         The safety kits currently installed around the store have enough medical supplies to treat minor injuries on a short-term basis, but not enough for major injuries or a prolonged occupation of the store.

·         Only a handful of associates in each store are fully trained in proper techniques for dealing with blood and bloodborne pathogens. (T1 virus being one such example of zombie infection inducing blood-borne virus.)

·         In the frigid winter months, if the store were to suffer a catastrophic loss of power, once the generator was depleted, it would impossible to build and safely maintain fires for warmth.

·         Once the Zombie Apocalypse begins, there is no clear-cut chain of command within the Fred Meyer infrastructure to adequately ensure the safety of all associates and would instead lead to a collapse of morality/humanity and a free for all for survival.

 

Since my future survival after Z-Day depends on being fully prepared for the eventualities of a full collapse of modern infrastructures, I find myself compelled to end my employment by the 20th of October, 2011.  I will then be leaving the state for an undisclosed location on or around the 25th.

 

Thank you and God help us all,

Falcon Storm

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