What’s this? ANOTHER LATE BLOG?! Nope. I changed the days I post them. Now instead of finishing the week with some crazy, we’re starting with it!
You know, the fact that I come from Alaska, people are always asking about vampires. Even though they have that awful movie about vampires in Alaska (30 Days of Night), people seem to forget that the reverse happens in the summer months. Not ideal for your typical vampire.
But at the age of 20, I did meet a vampire in Alaska. He was there vacationing. Which in itself was an odd thing, but this vampire was Australian. No, not Austrian, Australian. So, while you may be mentally prepared for a vampire to have an accent, you’re not prepared for him to sound like Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee.
This next part is embarrassing, but it just so happened that I was a bit of a goth in my younger days and the reason this vampire even spoke to me was to ask for a spare cigarette. For those that either don’t breathe often or aren’t as warm-blooded enough to create the normal foggy breath of a person outdoors in winter, smoking is quite the disguise. And since I was pale and skinny and looked half dead, he assumed I was like him.
We spoke a bit about Australia, about the difference between a wallaby and a wombat, I’m still not sure I get it. But at the end of his cigarette, which he had to light twice, he thanked me and told me he hadn’t expected to run across any other vampires in Alaska.
I don’t quite remember my reaction, but it was such that he figured out I wasn’t a vampire and I figured out he was at about the same time. It was awkward. Like getting caught having sex in a car by your date’s father kind of awkward (Not like that’s ever happened).
After a quick but tense standoff where I think we both considered the option of killing the other (what? I was big into Buffy those days), we laughed it off and decided to hang out. I showed him the town and he told me about how he had once been interviewed by a woman he described as “not all there and obsessed with male sexuality.” He mentioned her name being Asian or at least reminding him of Asia, and how she’d eventually become famous a few years back. But more than anything, he wanted to just talk about his country.
Believe it or not, vampires are not graced with many meaningful conversation partners. If they talk to their victims, it’s like playing with your food or chatting up a cow before you have a burger. And, from what Ned was saying, you don’t get to have normal conversations with other vampires. It’s why he went to Australia in the first place. There’s a small group of vampires in the outback that have discovered the lost tribes of the Aborigines.
Supposedly, they guard a secret of the world down there and even though Ned invited me to come out there (even provided me with latitude and longitude), I haven’t been able to bring myself to make the journey. From what he said of it, it could cause a normal mind to go insane. I guess I’m just not too keen to test my brain like that.
One of these days though…
P.S. Turns out wallabies are like kangaroos and wombats are more like weird little woodchucks that also can not chuck wood.
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